Climb Every Mountain: Blue Moon Vol. 1

On Tuesday afternoon, Kim came up to me and said, "Mandi! Good news! Exams! No school tomorrow!" There came to me an instant rush of excitement, followed by a list of ways to spend my newly given free time: I had, after all, just taken home my long-promised oven! Bake-a-thon 2012! It was gonna be great. Visions of warm brownies and pork chops danced in my head. I smiled.
Then, Kim finished her sentence.

""Oh, but, teachers will have day trip to Geumsan mountain. Then we will eat some dinner together." My heart sank, A day trip to a mountain? Great. In my mind, we all show up, take a little stroll through some woods together for an hour or two, maybe see some Korean wildlife, get to the top, eat a little lunch, go back. Presto, bonding time for the month done!

However, things did not go like that. At all.
First of all, I knew something was wrong when I showed up to school (on three hours sleep, mind you) wearing jeans and a t-shirt while everyone else was wearing serious, head to toe mountain climbing gear: pants with loops to hold carabiners, backpacks filled with towels, snacks and water, bucket hats, expensive boots, metal walking sticks- you get the picture. The gym teacher looked at me, laughed, and said, "Mandi! Funny!"

We got to the park, and as they passed out water bottles, I asked Kim the name of the mountain. "Eight Peaks," she said. It might as well have been called "Eight Times You'll Wish You Were Anywhere Else" Mountain. We started off down the Trail of Tears, up the first peak, and right away, the group (maybe 15 of us) was fractured into tiny pieces. I lost Kim almost immediately: my climbing partner was, of course, the 60 year old gym teacher, whom I can best compare to a Jack Russell Terrier. He is small, loud, insanely energetic, and thankfully, loyal (though I dragged up the rear big time on this course, he refused to leave my side).

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love exercise, particularly in groups. Which is, needless to say, about as much as I love getting a pap smear. (Look, I know I'd be among the first to die in the Hunger Games, but that's alright. I'm not that competitive and an early death isn't that great of a motivating factor. Dangle a plate of bacon or a tray of supreme nachos at the top of a mountain, then we'll talk.)

By the third peak, as I was sweating and swearing under my breath, Jack Russell shouted (in Korean) words of encouragement to me. Any time he saw me struggling, he'd offer me something. "Mandi, choco-pie (kind of like a Moon Pie but better)." "Mandi, water," he'd say, thrusting a bottle in my face, which I gratefully accepted. By the fourth peak, sweat dripping into my eyes, I had lost count, and as every muscle in my legs burned, was filling with a kind of quiet rage.

On the fifth peak is when it happened: I put my leg up on a particularly treacherous part of the trail and heard a loud "RRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPP." Oh crap, I thought. Dreading the inevitable, I looked behind me and my worst fears were confirmed: there was my butt, smiling back at me through pink colored underwear. Awesome. What do I do now? I'm stuck in the middle of a mountain. No matter what I do, I can't hide it. I kind of paused for a minute, but it was too late. Jack Russell saw what happened and was almost on the ground laughing. He gathered himself, motioned up the mountain, and said, "Let's go." Well, I thought, Here goes. As I climbed higher and higher, I felt the split grow. As the top of the eighth peak came into sight, I got a second wind and climbed faster.

There, at the top of the world, 1.2 miles from the ground, was every other teacher, waiting for us. Jack Russell filled them in and soon every teacher was clutching her sides in gasps of laughter. Hilarious y'all! Don't offer me a coat or anything to cover my exposed butt with! I sat on a rock and enjoyed the view, feeling a weird peace. Maybe ten minutes later it was time to go back down the mountain. I resumed my spot at the rear of the team (har har), and thankfully, climbing down proved far easier. It was over in a fraction of the time. But wait! It doesn't end there.

monkfish... not my favorite thing to eat

It was time for DINNER! We all went out for monk fish, which has the consistency of a really thick pudding and the taste of a fish that's sat in the sun all day long, then drenched with a sauce hot enough to dull the taste so as to make it edible. Delicious. If someone had told me at the beginning of this hike, "Don't worry! At the end we get to eat monk fish!" I would have at least attempted to run away or feign an injury. We also sat on the floor- cross legged. I did my best to remain modest in the company of my co-workers but it was in vain. At this point, all shame was long lost. I enjoyed the situation more and more as they fed me beers- soon we were all having a jolly old time pointing to my crotch and laughing.

Once home, I pulled off my new pair of assless chaps and felt an intense burn from deep within my butt muscles. Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but it felt good..... to get my yearly exertion out of the way nice and early. Never again.
Bring on the lounging!

More soon,
M